Mamalang's Page

I promise this isn't going to become a mopy blog about deployment, but I'm not promising I won't be mopy about it sometimes.

Do you know when it's the hardest?  When you're crawling into bed and when you are first waking up.  The crawling into bed wasn't so bad last night, as I was exhausted.  But the waking up?  That was almost impossible this morning.  Which is why I was late for work and PB was almost late for school.  (Almost, but I pulled it out.)  Thank goodness I have understanding people at work.

It's also hard when everyone wants to know how you are doing.  I know they mean well, but usually I'm working along, not even thinking about it, and then someone asks.  I'm not saying they shouldn't ask.  I appreciate that they are thinking about us. 

Tonight will be the first night of the new routine.  I'm anxious to see how it goes.  I have so many little things I need to do, but I bet all I manage tonight is time with the kidlins and dinner.  And I'm okay with that.

I think I want to put a graphic up to tell me how long I have left.  Maybe I'll search for one later.

I've just returned home from sending my husband off to war.  I've sent him off before, but never to war.  I've known this was coming, I've been preparing for it for a very long time.  But that doesn't mean it was easy.  The tears I hate came, and I tried my best to smile through them.  I hope I told him enough that I love him.  I hope he knows how much we will miss him.  I pray I am strong enough to do the right things for my children as they cope with the missing their father and their sister.  I pray that this year flies by.  I haven't allowed myself to think about a year.  I've looked at little pieces.  Tonight, driving home with my babies asleep in the back seat, I let myself consider it.  It isn't a pretty picture.  No more of that.

I know he misses us, too.  I know he's scared and excited and worried.  The most important thing for me to tell him now is that we love him very much, and we want him home safe as soon as possible.

I'm off to cuddle those babies in my bed.  Kiss your husbands for me, and tell them how much you love them.

(I have to put a little prelude in here to bring you all up to speed with my life.  Bug is my stepdaughter, and while her father is deployed, she is going to live with her mother in a northern mid-western state.  She will be leaving Saturday, he will be leaving Sunday.  This was sprung on us in the last week, and I have lots more I could say, but I won't (at least right now).  PB and Monster have only known since Sunday.)

It's that final week of life PD (Pre-deployment).  I don't think it matters if you have a year to prepare, or only three weeks, this week is one of the hardest.  Things are packed, boxes are loaded on trucks and sent on their way, duffels are stored fully loaded, decisions have been made, and all those last minute details you forgot about are popping up.  And you are waiting.  You spend every day with a sense of anticipation and dread.  You avoid looking at the calendar, you stop keeping track of the days.  Mornings come way too soon, and bedtimes stretch way too late.  You gather up all those things you know you are going to miss, trying to store away a few moments to pull out in the coming year.  Those minutes just after waking in the morning, when the bed is warm and you are so comfortable and happy to just snuggle.  When you are sitting at the table and the kids are so hungry you let them say one of the cheesy graces just so you can eat.  Everyone piling on the bed to make some decision...what to get for dinner, when to go to the movies, etc.  You realize that this could be the last time you are able to do this for the next year.  And you do your best to push away the thoughts, the sadness, and remember to enjoy and live in that moment.  You spend every waking hour on the verge of strong emotions...tears, anger, frustration, elation.  People comment on how well you are taking this separation.  What do they want me to do?  Wail and scream and cry?  What will that do?  All I see in that path is the chance to be even more miserable for the next year.

People comment often that they couldn't do this.  They couldn't be married to the military.  And I do believe that it takes a certain group of traits to be a military spouse.  You cannot be an overly needy person, and you have to maintain a strong self-reliance.  You have to like yourself and be confident in your ability.  That doesn't mean that you don't need the other person.  My husband makes my life better.  It isn't always easier, but it is better.  That doesn't mean that it isn't good without him, though. 

We've known for over a year, ad we've worked towards being prepared.  We've had discussions, made agreements and arrangements.  We thought we were prepared.  But the last few days reminded me what I had forgotten.  You are never really prepared.

Yesterday, that fact was slammed into me several times.  Work is crazy busy and very frustrating at the moment. Our personal life is crazy and frustrating at the moment.  By the time I got home last night, I just wanted to crawl into bed and hide.  But dinner had to be made, projects had to be completed, showers needed supervised.  I worked through the chores with a strong sense that one more thing was going to hurtle me over the abyss, down into the craziness.  I felt brittle and stiff, sad and frustrated.  I worked very hard at maintaining my composure, but it was hard.

There were two bright spots in my night.  I came home to find a wonderful box of goodies from my Swapangel.  Unfortunately, my swap partner in the last swap did not fulfill her duties, but a very nice member stepped up and really outdid herself.  And it came at the perfect moment.  I was also able to carve out some time to spend in my sewing room.  A good hour and half of (mostly) uninterrupted sewing really soothed my soul.

Tomorrow is the ceremony.  I see wide scale chaos, and rivers of tears being shed.  At this point, I'm just living minute by minute.

I promise, I have lots to share with you.  I'm just a little overwhelmed right now trying to get everything done, and spend some quality time with everyone in my family.

I can't believe it.  My little girl is TEN. Double Digits. 

Princess Bear's birthday was yesterday, and I was trying to make it a really good day for her.  DDS and I went shopping last weekend and bought her some nice presents, and wrapped them in pink with purple polka dots, and green with teal and yellow polka dots.  She got some really cute PJ's with owls, craft and art supplies, movies, shoes, clothes, a few books, and some other little things.  She loved everything she got, but the shoes and clothes were a BIG hit...so funny.  She asked for ice cream cake for her family share time, and all the grands and her aunt came over to share.  It was a very nice time.

Daddy started a tradition many years ago of taking cupcakes into school for the kids birthdays.  This is a big deal.  He colors the cupcakes and icing whatever combination they want.  This year he created mini cupcakes that were green with pink icing.  He took them in yesterday and had lunch with her at school.  They were a big hit!

This weekend, we're having a spa sleepover.  We're going to set up the stations just like before, and then they're going to lounge around and watch some movies, maybe play her new American Girls game, and make mini-pizzas.  I'm trying to figure out how to make a nail polish bottle out of cupcakes. 

PB is my free-spirit, yet extremely cautious child.  Both her and the Monster are very demonstrative with their love, but his is a little more exuberant.  She needs cuddles.  And right now, she's needing them a lot, but not when her friends are around.  This is the year that she gets a little more freedom in a lot of areas, and more responsibilities as well.  Her group at the Youth Center doesn't require direct supervision anymore, but a lot of the daily "chores" in her class are led by the students.  I'm starting to see some maturing...it's a bittersweet thing.  As a fifth grader, she gets to begin band and safety patrol, and continue chorus.  She's unhappy with the lunchroom seating situation, so she created a petition, obtained signatures, and is presenting it to the Principal.  But every night, she still needs her cuddles.

She's going through a rough time with the Lyme disease, counselling, and daddy leaving.  Tomorrow she finds out her sister is going to her mothers for the length of the deployment.  The next month is going to be very difficult, but I know that we will persevere and things will fall into the new "normal" soon enough.

I hope you had a happy birthday baby girl.  Daddy and I love you very much, and we are both very proud of you.